I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
