someone threw a dead crab at me
I am puke
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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