I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
