I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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