You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
