I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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