Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
