I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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