I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
