I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
