dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
this boner is exhausting
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sext me about skeletons
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I want a musical about memes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
