We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
