I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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