It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
