How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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