I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Jerry, you need to find god
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
