my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
