Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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