everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
