I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude i'm inner monologue high
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
