Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
