I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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