And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
