I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
