She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
