Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
