my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You can't special order awesome
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
