So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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