I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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