What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
