we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
