I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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