I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize