My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
