I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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