i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
