OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
