dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
