the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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