i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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