defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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