I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
