I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My penis needs a shock collar
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
