saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
