hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
