This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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