I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
