Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
