Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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