If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
