a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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