My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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