My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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