I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
