no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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