I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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