Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
