legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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