We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
